Writing from under my rock.

Okay so i've decided to become a hermit. 

I was predicted all A* in my GCSE's....and i'm not quite getting them. Year in and i'm close to dropping a set. This is bad for me. So i'm going to spend an abnormal amount of time revising and like doing homework and stuff so from now i'll just have no social life yeah okay just a warning.

EMERGENCY BLOG. (i feel sick)

Parts of this will definitely discourage alcohol drinking...other parts may make you want to pour yourself a strong one. Just a warning okay. But the first discouragement should be when I tell you I have a serious fucking churn in my stomach. This blog will start off with the day...then go on I the night and OW I JUST YAWNED THAT HURT. Warning. May contain chunks of memory missing, due to alcohol consumption/

Okay so yesterday I had work obviously. There is a new apprentice....who is in E's year at his school....She told me the facetime story, but not who it was about..when I then hid my face and told her my full name....awkward. Then C came and got me, and we went for a drive, and we went off for a wander through a huge field. It was amazing, we were just having such amazing talks (even though I found out he is seeing someone "exclusively" apparently, who already hates me because of the scratches) and turned up to my friends party like an hour late....now onto the friends party.

Me and C had a bottle of Jaegermeister to share...Yeah a litre of the stuff, that about says it all. Some people there were already drunk, so I was greeted pretty much by the same thing everytime..."So so so what happened with you and E", and then people hitting on me. So C saw that was effecting me and was like "pint Jaegerbomb" I wasn't going to refuse. We did the drink....10 minutes later and I don't think I could stand up. We'll start with the mild events of the night.

1. I played bongos on E's best friends chest.
2. I got hit on by a number of people but rejected them all
3. I got a speech from this guy who was like "you're so beautiful and what E did was wrong and not fair and I can't believe he did that, you deserve so much better and don't let him put you down, you will find someone who treats you better, ok?

And now onto the serious shit.
Ermmm yeah, me and C. I walked down the park with him, and started kissing him, and at that point he was like, no you're 15, no that isn't fair, no don't you'll regret it so much. So after a while of slightly trying to make something happen, I gave up and we went back. On the way back I fell over on the pavement, and that's why my head hurts... Then we sat outside my friends house, then I dragged him back down the park. This time slightly more happened. Okay, he told my friend he was just walking me home, and that was fully his intention, however that is not what happened. I asked if we could go sit down the park for a little bit before I went home because my sister was in. So he picked me up and carried me, and then when we got there he like span me round so I was sitting on his lap. And then I reached up and kissed him...but this time he kissed back. And we sat there for a while kissing...and then I felt him undo my bra with his hands up my top, and I kinda got the feeling something was going to happen, so I asked him if he wanted to go round the corner, so we weren't in plain view of the road...And he said yeah, so he picked me up with my legs around his waist and started kissing me, a lot. Then he sat me down on some climbing frame thing, and like my legs were still wrapped around him. And he was kissing me, and his hand was up my top, and then his hand went down my leggings, so his hands were just under my underwear...then I think he fingered me...And then stopped himself. And walked away, and started smoking. And everytime he came within like talking distance, I was just asking him why not, obviously I knew why, he is seeing someone exclusively, and i'm 15.  He was saying how there is 3 years, and how bad it made him feel and how we shouldn't. And we didn't. But he kept saying "shit, you're 15 and you're making this so fucking hard for me"...Everytime I said that I scratched his back, and apparently he finds that a turn on, because at that point he gave up and his hands would start to wander or at the least he would kiss me. Apparently no amount of scratching, biting, kissing, or sucking (HIS NECK WHAT DO YOU TAKE ME FOR) could take away the three years. I didn't believe him, I don't think he believed himself.  I kept saying "what do you want, not what you think is right?"...He refused to answer that question. And I said "prove you don't want it, take it too far and then turn back, then I'll believe you"...He kinda tried, but I think turning back was difficult for him. He had my key, so I said I was gonna walk home, and asked him for it, and he said no because he was going to walk me home. He gave me a piggy back. At which point I started to give him lovebites, and I told him to either walk into the garages or give me my key and I'll walk the rest on my own. Yeah he chose the right option. When he turned into the garages I must've had some form of conscious mind, because I realised where we were was visible from my sisters window....And tried to drag him in further. Which slightly ruined it, and I realised how loud we were, so nothing actually happened. I walked home on my own and he followed me to make sure I got there okay. At my door we kissed again, kissed a lot, and I think he was trying to come in, then I realised my sister was in, and I stopped him. so that's last nights antics and the reason I know feel like a massive slut, and am in pain. Also, He said he was walking me home.....all of E's friends saw that, and saw how long it took us, shit.

And earlier today I was sent this by C....Apparently my doing.

Continues

Okay I know I've blogged a lot today but I forgot to say something key. C is a little bit rough around the edges (if you didn't quite get that from our scratching and biting of each other)...well yeah. He is. Yesterday I was just meant to be meeting up with him for a walk, but he had been saying "yeah I'll meet up with you after work but I have to do a favour for my friend first."
So C is intelligent so I figured it was something like that. Then he turned up with bruised knuckles. Turns out his friend likes this girl who can't get away from her abusive boyfriend, so he set C on him...like the boy is abusive so deserves it, but I swear C felt nothing for it, he just saw beating this kid up (quite badly) as a favour for his friend.
And he used to do drugs, and he quit, he used to smoke and he quit...but apparently he hasn't quit. Well he did but he's started again, and I know it's not my position, but I'm going to find a way to get him to stop for good again...I just want to.

A kind of look?

Ahhh...I keep thinking back to this morning. When me and C first both woke up, we kept looking at each other. I hate eye contact so everytime I looked away. It was in the situation that I think we almost kissed a few times. But the age gap didn't let it happen.
And he kept looking at me..and I don't know, I just got the feeling it was more than a friendly look. Which hurt me because I know nothing could happen...and he keeps texting me on this double date, and his friend is apparently like questioning him loads about his arm...LOL. I do just kind of wish there was a chance.

Also, an awkward thing from last night...I got turned on by daddy (as in my best friend)..I have a spot on my leg that if people touch I'm like BOOM. And he touched it...I was like "oh shit."
And then C did everything that I usually find a turn on and I'm just ending up like "SERIOUSLY GUYS."

Either way I've had a good day, lunch with my sister was fun fun fun xD

Hopes and dreams = shattered (no just no)

AHHHHH. FFS. Really?!
I fell asleep cuddling up to C last night.
And I was like "maybe he can ignore the age gap and blah blah blah"
And then...then the bomb hit...
Yeah. He's not completely single.
He's seeing someone, which is like I mean really dude you don't act like that with someone...and then just like...say that.
And he's meant to be on a date right now...which makes me feel slightly awkward...because its like, oh...right.
I just kind of want the three years difference to just disappear...OR I could just settle with the fact that it's a possibility when we're older or when I'm like..at least 16?
SHHH LET ME DREAM.

MOOD SWINGS.

Haha.
No.
Yes.
I mean.
What.

Okay. Prepare for vent and then probably an amount of detail that will make you feel really bloody uncomfortable.
Vent...my fricking slutty friend is currently as we speak throwing herself...I mean literally she's chucking herself into a spooning position with him...FOOKING AWKWARD.
Also she's trying so hard to be me.
1. She just said to him "what do you think of the like Taurus symbol tattooed on a hip?"...I've wanted the virgo one for about three years..I mean really?
2. I have a joke that I constantly say "look at me I'm gorgeous." as a joke, and she just did it. She genuinely just did it.
She's now giggling like a childish mess and acting like a general twat for the tiny bit of attention...
Also, she's like trying to get him to fuck her...it's her birthday this week and she's like "oh I need a fuck for Saturday so bad."...and he just looks awkward and embarrassed, that's quite funny, but also so cringey it's making me feel sick.
And everytime he's cuddling up to me she is like throwing herself in the middle, and I don't like it being a three...so I just leave. Because I'm not into being the third wheel. Like seriously who would be...oh wait...well that's awkward.

And the uncomfortable part. I don't know if I'm sadistic...but I think I might be. So it started off with a tickle fight...in which we really almost kissed but didn't, then I saw his arm....and I was like "shit that's fucked.."...then realised. I think I found it a turn on.
For some reason all of this evening when we've been cuddling and shit, we've just been pinching/biting/scratching each other. And not in a way to cause pain. I mean it just worries me because this isn't fair. Yeah he's 18, nothing is going to happen so how is it fair to put me through this?! JESUS DUDE GET SOME CONSIDERATION.

Lostfrickingprophets

Okay so I haven't blogged in a while due to business....I WENT TO SEE LOSTPROPHETS ON FRIDAY this is because they are amazing and Ian Watkins is sexy.
And after hearing that many people scream out the lyrics rooftops and last train home got so much more meaning (hehe how insightful of me)
Also, my mums best friend was round last night. And she met C last time he was round. She started talking to me in my hallway like "so what's happening with you and the one with the purple hair?" I told her nothing, but she is "psychic" (it's creepy) and she was like "oh I love him already he's really good looking and I just got such a good energy off him" and then she was saying how apparently she thought we were a couple because we seemed like it and she said how we looked like a really good couple and the way he was acting proved he liked me. Happy or what?!
Well I would be if this had come from me...not from my mums so called psychic friend.

Swoonage

Okay. I have an obsession with fighters. I love masculinity; I find it a huge turn on! It's so attractive...therefore when I see a fighter I find them so hot and I just...yeah I'm obsessed.
C does martial arts. MMA. My obsession.
He turned around earlier because of that and was like "okay next Saturday when I stay over I'm bringing my hoodie and you can have it for a while, just to fuel your UFC obsession"
AH GOD IT'S SO AMAZING.

Hmmm

Okay apparently the friend is now pissed off with me because she feels left out.
She introduced us and now we spend a long time together and she feels left out.
I WONDER WHY.
She has done this to me before for the record. I introduced her to someone and they ended up together...awkkksssss.
And yeah, she wonders why using invite her when everytime I do she's clingy as hell and inconsiderate and just generally a twat.
As harsh as it sounds.

Argh

Okay I'm writing this really subtly as due to the openness and anonymity you've probably guessed none of my friends know about this.
I'm sitting here with C and the slightly slutty friend (slightly?) and she's fucking doing it again.
C came town with me today and we went and got McDonald's after and (yeah I'm fatty) then he came round mine to eat said mcdonalds...then my friend invited herself round. We were talking yesterday and I was like "well I kinda like him but it would never happen and shit"...apparently she took this as her sign to step in. He was round and I tweeted "eating chicken nuggets with purple hair"...5 minutes later she's at my door. Happy being the third wheel she always is.
She then starts doing it again. Being clingy and slutty just to try and get some attention.
I feel mean because she has been there for me through a lot but honestly it's a bit much. When he's cuddling up to me or we're play fighting and shell just suddenly be involved and we're both like "what?"...then he actually starts being closer to her. She's fucking got her way again. Which has annoyed me.
But then when she left the room I was like "you alright?"
And he gave this kind of eyebrow signal look towards her looking really irritated.. Then just said yeah.
So I don't really know what's going on all I know is she is irritating me right now because she can't stand someone else getting any effing attention.

CRINGEEEEEEE.

Ok so obviously my mum doesn't know I am no longer a virgin. But C was round earlier, and she thinks he is 17 (or this conversation could be even worse)..she tried to have the talk with me. She gave me a hug and was like "You do know you can talk to me don't you?" And I was like "i've been cuddling down here with someone older than me I know what's coming..."yeah."...."well I know you're going to want to have a serious boyfriend and seeing you with someone older than you has made me realise how much you're growing up and if you do want to take things more seriously with the next boyfriend we'll go to the doctors yeah and we can get you completely sorted for it?"...CRINGE. I THINK I FEEL SICK.

Okay, anyway, off the cringeyness. I just had such a good night xD. So as I said earlier C came over to help me revise history. We spent all night cuddling up and watching low budget horror films. I hate the age gap. but we even found ourselves talking about it....We were mucking about, and we were talking about at what age it would be acceptable for me and him to kind of be close. I did find out that he was seeing someone though, but then he said he had stopped things with her. So that made me happy. I opened up to him. Like I really did. I told him everything recent, I just told him everything, that's a big deal for me. He left like half an hour ago and gave me a huge hug then left. Everytime he leaves I hope something slightly more will happen, but I know that he's 18 and I'm 15 so it won't. That does make me sad but hey ho it won't change :(. I'll keep you updated on that situation, it was really nice though, really nice to be that close to someone :)

Maturity at its finest.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

We have a new I. Shock shock horror horror. My impeccable taste in males seems to have paid off once again. E has done the one thing that demonstrates the height of maturity. I have been deleted off of facebook....Different? HOW CREATIVE OF YOU YOU MASSIVE BELLEND.

Feeling proud.

I just got back from my friends with C (again). T'was very funny (again). Although no hair dying happened :(, makes it terrible! But I've now decided I need some life goals. So here they are...

1. Do absolutely amazing in the exams this week.
2. Find someone absolutely amazing whom any sexual acts with would not be classed as pedophilia.
3. Get a kiss of C (just because)
4. Keep caught up on sleep
5. Catch up on homework/ coursework
6. Keep caught up on homework/ coursework
7. Become slightly less bitchy
8. Choose normal times to leave my house
9. Become less of a flirt
10. Stop caring quite so much and setting myself aims that are unachievable without the motivation I blatantly lack :D

ALEEEEEEERRRRRRT.

THIS WAS WRITTEN YESTERDAY BUT NOT POSTED AS I FELL ASLEEP FOR REASONS YOU ARE ABOUT TO SYMPATHIZE WITH.

Hmmm....it appears we have a new guy on the scene. Probably won't last long. There is an age gap :(. C. He is good looking, and such a lovely person, but he's 18...(don't judge he's no pedo)

I've not mentioned him because I figured when I meet up with him we'll be JUST friends with no hope of anything more. We have been talking for quite a while. I think I was wrong,

Basically I had one of the best mornings of my life today. We had joked around that he was going to come and get me for a mcdonalds. I thought we were joking. I was asleep...then my phone goes off next to my year "I'll be there in about 20 minutes. 

So 2 in the morning and i'm told he's outside. I get in the car....and he's hotter than I remember, don't know how...but he is. And he says we're going to pick up my best friend, which kinda bugged me because she can occasionally just act slutty to avoid being the third wheel, which annoys me. I knew she would. 

So this was possibly the best morning of my life. We get back home after driving quite far away for this McDonalds and my friend says "no one is home, let's eat it at mine" So after sleeping for 3 hours the night before then working all day my intention was to eat then go home and sleep. It seemed like the best thing to do. So after ordering 40 chicken nuggets, this was always going to take a while anyway. But at 4 we tried to convince him to let us dye his hair. He did. He now has purple hair...it was meant to come out brown....I don't even know. Then we went to tesco which wasn't even open....so we went back to my friends. She was doing all she could to try and get involved...didn't work. We were cuddling up for ages watching a film, then she tried to come over.....one word....FAIL. He then was laying on the sofa in the prime spooning position. I decided to be difficult. After about ten minutes I think he gave up and literally just picked me up and put me on my side...Win or what. 

But we did have an awkward moment. It's no secret girls want him, even less of a secret that he's no virgin. But we weren't sure the extent...so we asked...after a while of counting...he's had sex with 27 different girls. 5 of them models. WHAT?! Yeah. Shocked me. He's nice though, just a mega shame about the age gap :(, and the fact I think I have slightly too much to be number whatever I would be by that point.

Basically urghhh

I worked for 8 hours straight today.

I got 3 and a half hours sleep last night.

I am rather hungover and feel physically sick.

This is not good. At all. So yeah I've been slightly flirting with my brothers friend all day....the one from yesterday. That's probably bad...I've been out with one of his best friends before. So i'm tired. But I was forced to make a decision here...late night Mcdonalds or no Mcdonalds at all...I CHOOSE LATE NIGHT. So basically I'm getting close to C...my best friend has a thing for him. This is bad. He's lovely. He is really complimenting...he's smart...he can drive...yeah he's 18. That's a 3 year age gap. I was talking to my sister about it, she goes "no it's not big but it is when one is legal and one isn't."...but he is lovely. And he's got a family party tonight and is on "taxi duty" taking drunk people home from theirs...and then when he's done he's picking me up and we're going down to the drive-thru. Should be a laugh, we talk non-stop. But I don't want my friend to find out..we both know we should invite her but neither of us want to so we won't...makes me feel bad though, she'll be pretty pissed off if she finds out. Anyone sweet followers..I'm gonna try and have a nap. I feel so tired :(

Damn this

Okay so I've been at a wedding all day. Been drinking since about three. Now I'm slightly tipsy. And I got home and I'm staying at my dads tonight so I went and chilled with my step brother and his mate for a bit. He's only the year above me and his mate is quite hot. To piss my step brother off as a joke we were acting really flirty but then we like fell on my brothers bed now there's this sexual tension which has obviously put me in a sexually frustrated mood and he's literally through the wall
And this is killing me slowly :(

Hahahahahaha

E's best friend really does like making stuff awkward.
Yesterday was the first time he straight up told me he knew. Talking about W's fight and this is the conversation
"haha would you shag him?"
"hell no. God knows what I'd catch"
"haha, crabs? Chlamydia?"
"No idea ;)"
"so how many people you shagged?"
"just one"
"ooo I know who that is ;)"
"I know you do ;)"
"would you again?"
"well we aren't really talking right now,, but I guess if we got that close again"
"oooo just him?"
"well being in a relationship doesn't bother me as long as we're close?"
"oooo so no one else? ;)"
"probably not"
"haha that's a shame ;)"
OK REALLY?! YOUR BEST FRIEND LOST HIS V TO ME KEEP YOUR DICK IN YOUR PANTS I AM NOT GOING TO BANG YOU. Sorry.

The Occurance Of Events.

Okay. so let's start off with the serious stuff. I've been put on serious best friend duty. I told you about the two best friends having sex? Turns out...they used no protection. And he didn't pull out. (sorry for the graphicness)

and now she is extremely stressed. My other friend is making jokes at him. Calling him daddy. But I can tell my friend is worried as hell, I can understand why. I've told her I will go to any doctors or anything when it is time to, there is not a lot else I can do. But God knows how stressed she is right now, I couldn't imagine it. But the males being males...Well one of my other best friends is buying daddy a personalized fathers day card :D

Second bit is I need to learn to keep my mouth shut. I'm gonna get an even worse reputation and this isn't even true. Mummy was tweeting stuff about something I know. A serial cheat, like seriously, there is a rather long list of people he's cheated on...has cheated on his girlfriend again. With my best friend. And I told mummy, because we do tell each other everything, as bad as it sounds that I did. But she tweeted about it, and the girlfriend saw it and started asking her about it...so she said it was someone with a girlfriend and me...IT'S NOT EVEN TRUE! But I guess it's worth it, I'm not getting involved in this messed up little relationship again.

Also. I saw W on the way home from school. First time since he was round mine last. Gave me a cheeky grin....which reallllly shouldn't still make me swoon a little bit. Anyway, I was about to confront him about sending the pictures to Awkward, then he kinda snapped and was like "i'm really not in the mood"...and when asked why he said he had just been in a fight with some kid, who to be honest I don't really know about their relationship, but I do know that E is in his profile picture. Let's 'ave a nice bit o' awkwardness eh?

LASTLY ON A LIGHTER BUT MORE SADDENING NOTE I HAVE MY GLASSES AND THEY LOOK HORRENDOUS. SEE FOR YOURSELF.

...

So i've decided I kinda want to go out for a late night run tonight. I will do. Need to clear my head.

But I have an issue. I'm currently home alone, don't know when my sister is in...I worry that that might be the one thing keeping me from asking W over. But I won't. Not gonna let myself get in this situation again. Especially considering people at his school now know about me and E, I am not getting myself an even worse reputation. 

But I think it's bad that that's kinda the only thing stopping me :/

FUCKING SORT MY LIFE OUT PLEASE.

Update.

When asked why he asked.
His response was "we said we was gonna have sex this Sunday."
I said "did we?"
He said "yeah xxx"
Hmmm. I probably said that to avoid actually shagging him.

I'm such a load of talk.

W just asked me if I have a free house any point today. I told him I don't. But why aren't I just ignoring him or even better straight up rejecting him?

Like seriously. After finding out his intentions. And after knowing what he sent to awkward. I'm fucking pissed off with myself. At least I'm not meeting up with him, or at least shouldn't be. It's a start. Just a bit of a crappy one..

OH FUCK.

The shakes are back. With a vengeance. SHIT.

So earlier I got tweeted from my friend G, he said he needed to talk to me, and then told me to forget it. I figured he had either seen the pictures or knew about me and E. Or there was a tiny chance he knew about something completely different..I wasn't that lucky. I eventually rang him. He said one name to me. The name belonging to E. I literally felt my heart drop. I mean, I had guessed people would find out, I had hoped they wouldn't but I knew they would, it was inevitable. But it still is a fucking shock when you know they know. Turns out he told one of his best mates, now practically everyone knows. Luckily G rang me to tell me people knew, I would rather I knew they knew rather than wondered if they did. I tried texting E. I told him people knew, and asked him how and stuff. He hasn't even replied. Fucking class mate. I mean, this is probably the time where it would be convenient to have someone to talk to, especially the only other person besides myself who got me into this mess, him.

My best friend told me people have mentioned it but they really don't mind, they aren't that fussed, but G said that people are only just finding out, so it could get bigger. Let's hope the first one is the actual scenario. 

Also, my two best friends fucked. Leaving just one virgin in my little four, bless him. But now they're in an argument because he told people. I'm talking to them both telling them not to make the same mistake I did and drive the other one away because they will regret it. They're not really listening. God shit is messed up right now.

OMG WAIT WHAT.

I think I just found out some of the funniest news of my life.

It makes facetime mild. I don't think any sexual experience could compare to it.

Basically, earlier, I was out with my three closest friends. And two of them are really close, like, everytime they are drunk together something happens, when they're sober they just act like a couple. We were talking about their drunken experiences earlier...It turns out a while back they went off to actually have sex (they haven't....yet)....he tried...he got it in....A few seconds later the words "WRONG HOLE!" were shouted out and it was quickly removed. 

But this was the time everyone knew she had, as my step mum likes to put this term "sucked his noodle."...SO...as they were telling us about this mishap. I had a thought...and said "wait..was this before or after the blow job."

Their jaws almost hit the floor. She looked horrified. He apologised...a lot....quickly followed by hysterics all round. Suddenly my losing my v experience seems like nothing :'D

My fantasy world.

I have to wake up. I guess it's good to dream, but I have to stop it. 

I seem to get the feeling that I want my life to be a story. I want my life to be completely abnormal. I want a big fairytale. I want a romantic gesture from the guy of my dreams, for him to tell me i'm all he ever wanted and I mean the world to him. Yeah we'd break up. But it'd be a story.

I want to go somewhere I don't know. I want to act like I have that rock star attitude where it just seems like I don't give a damn in hell what anyone thinks. Make a fool out of myself just because I can.

I just want some abnormality.

8D

Okay so I'm a nerd. I'll admit it. Top sets for everything, I read a lot, I'm just a bit geeky. But I've always had one thing said to me "You can't be a nerd. You're actually mildly attractive" (complimenting friends I have.)..and let's face it. I don't look like the stereotypical nerd. I care about the way I look, I wear a fair amount of makeup (Without looking orange) I straighten my hair. I dye my hair. I do put effort in....but now. Oh I've just had some news.

....I need glasses.

I mean, there is nothing wrong with glasses...on most people. But i'm not going to lie...my head vaguely resembles a football. It's quite round. Basically. I have a really small head. So all glasses just look abnormal on me. Simply because...They don't fit my face. They cover a pretty large percentage of it. So I really don't suit glasses. And I need them. My eyesight is pretty bad. When I was younger, I always used to have the fantasy that if I got glasses I would have the whole sexy secretary look going for me...I don't. I look like a little nerdy kid. And after today at school my makeup was all coming off. I'm looking a bit spotty. My hair had lost it's curl....basically. I looked a mess. So you can tell. Brilliant news of the day...

I'M GONNA BE A STEREOTYPICAL GEEK.

;)?

Ok. So I spent all of last night talking to E's best friend.
He knows.
I knows He knows.
I think He knows I know He knows.
Which made the whole conversation just awkward.
It was just a normal conversation. But after every single line he was putting a winky face. Even something that clearly had no relevance to the whole E thing. The only lines where it was even slightly valid were "just laying in bed ;)"
And "I guess I owe you one ;)"
I'm pretty sure he's now got some deranged fantasy that because I slept with his best friend he has a valid chance. He doesn't.
Towards the end I got slightly frustrated and just decided to ask him. I said "what's with the constant winky faces"
His reply "Ermm...I always use them ;)"
Yeah. Definitely. At least the most awkward moment of my life (besides FaceTime) is over now. E. THANKYOU so much for bringing a new meaning of the word awkward into my life.

Ouch.

I've realised how good I had gotten at emotional detachment. 

I think that's all gone now. My step dad brought me up for about 12 years. Bipolar. When he stopped taking his medication he kinda went crazy. He left on christmas day. And he's currently in my house. I can't go down and see him. I've not spoken to him since he left. And this is killing me. Hearing his voice. The familiar voice I spent so much of my life being raised by. The voice I used to joke around to. His phone just went off, the exact same ringtone. This is hurting so much. I can't help but miss how it used to be but now I know that I'm kind of losing the ability to just have no feeling. All the feeling is coming back and this is what I was afraid of. I knew once the feeling comes back i'm going to regret so much and i'm not ready for that just yet but I think it's doing it. 

I can't stop shaking. I can't help it. More than anything I want to go downstairs and hit him or hug him or something but i'm going to stay here because I can't get involved again. I really can't do it.

Pahahahahahahahahaha

So i've told you all I work in a hairdressers right? Well It's one where it's mainly old people that come in. So some of the stuff they say is truly hilarious. So one of the girls is leaving, and this woman gave her some advice as she left. Some little 80 year old woman. Called Doris. Turns around to her, and says...

"Be good. Be careful. And if you forget, remember the date and count nine months on."

So I wrote it as my skype message, because it amused me. Then realised as E's name popped up saying he had logged on how bad it looks. Oh God. How cringy. Especially considering we're not even talking. Cue scared thoughts from E thinking I'm pregnant. I really didn't think that one through.

God I need a life.

I'm really not sure if you've all realised but basically I have a super addictive personality. I've smoked and never got hooked...but tv programs. They seem to be my weakness.

Soooo my newest obsession. Hellcats.

I've started watching it from the beginning. Started yesterday. over halfway through the season. And it's whilst watching this episode that I've been struck by an extreme sense of jealousy. I got this whilst watching Awkward. I wanted to be in the situation of being the quiet kid with these guys chasing after me. That hasn't happened...But this one...This scenario is going on. 

So. They had sex. They lost their virginities to each other. They were best friends at the time. (sounding familiar yet?)...And then they didn't talk for over six months (me and E aren't talking) and now they're back to being best friends and have been for years and arghhhh I want my life to be a TV program. Buuuut it isn't. Oh how I wish I didn't spend this long living in some fantasy dream world. But what do you know. I do. Fingers crossed my life eventually mirrors this. I hate losing people. Especially people I was once so close to. It's possible we'll make up in time of course. Who knows.

YOU BABE.

Ok. So awkward got W to delete the pictures. I know he's probably gonna read this so I fricking love you man. W is a dick and my sole intention from now onwards is to abolish all contact with him. Besides the fact I had sex with E he has nothing on me. Which is a relief. Bye bye you desperate bastard. Sorry to offend your best mate awkward ;D

I feel so cliche.

Me and E. we're nothing. Absolutely nothing. We were just speaking. Me over thinking things fucked everything up "put him off me"..he said we weren't even friends right now, maybe at a later point. Oh that's alright then.

I wish I could criticise him. Bring myself to say the classic lines "all he wanted was sex" or "he got what he wanted now he's leaving"..but the truth is I drove him away. I really did. Because for the few days we were close after it happened he was perfect. We were like we were together. That's all gone now, we're just nothing.

It fucking hurts.
I still don't believe it when they say having sex with someone builds up feelings or we wouldn't now not be talking...ending with the words "See you around, sorry to end the friendship a bit rough"...yeah it fucking did. But I do believe that there must have been something there before. Or 1. I wouldn't have been able to do it. I couldn't with W. and 2. I wouldn't be finding it this hard to accept we're over. Trying to delete all our texts. I can't do it. Too many messages. I think I'm crying over him. I hope not. I can't stand getting that emotionally attached to someone.

I don't know what's wrong with me. But I do feel like another classic case of fucked and chucked. That'd be if we were together to begin with..which we weren't. I just don't know. I don't know if he ever saw me as more than a very lifelike sex doll. I still hope so.

Do me an ickle favour?

I promise you all I will not make a habit of this.

But yeah. I owe this kid a favor or two as it is, and he's a good guy. I reckon you'll get giggles out of it. Meet awkward/ creepy stalker. I feel you should  view his blog and cheer up his little life ;D.

http://awkwardboyforeveralone.blogspot.co.uk/

Heh.

Oh god. I just thought I'd have a little read through my old posts. And found this. "I know not all guys are after one thing and blah blah blah...but it looks like he was. So glad that's all that happened, before I made a mistake I seriously regretted. Should have known better from the guy who doesn't even date. " Ok, so basically. This is the guy I had sex with...No...Lost my virginity to. And we're back to feeling really stupid. I guess we aren't talking as much right now, well, we aren't at all. Back to feeling like a fucking idiot.

That's not the only reason why. When W was round last night....He took some pictures of me. I tried to stop  him. But he took them. I found out he showed them to awkward. I was sick. I feel so ill. I've not really stopped shaking since. My fingertips are still trembling. He's apparently going to threaten to put them on Facebook if I don't do what he wants. I know what that will be. And we're back to feeling ill. But Awkward said he'll delete them...I really hope he does. I'm so weak recently, I couldn't cope with this on top of it all. It's too much.

Deepest apologies.

Creepy stalker. I'm changing your name. Now you'll just be awkward. I fucking love you man. I'm doing something that takes a lot of guts here. I'm letting you see this blog. Your opinion of me will be so lowered mate ;). I take you for granted. You are a good friend. I apologise for everything you're about to see...deeply. 

Please don't make this change your mind about doing me the most amazing favour in the world.

LOVE YOU LOADS.

Oh dear god

I'm such an attention whore. I just did something stupid. Arguing with my best friend because she wants to fuck W. So I've just taken a lot of paracetamol. I know I'll be fine, I've taken more than this before. I know I'm not suicidal. I just try to scare myself out of harvest I don't like to be honest. If you don't hear from me for a while it's because I'm lazy...not dead...hopefully ;)

Now to lighten the mood enjoy this image of barney the dinosaur.

YOLO...?

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Harassment.

SHUT UP.

I'm being harassed. I just got asked what I was doing, thought I could reply with "Writing a blog", without being harassed for a link. I can't apparently. So he's now like "OMG LINNK MEEEEEEEE"....not quite, more like "I'm bored link." Not going to. HELL NO. Anyway, are you already for an especially little whiny post?

Meet my mum.

MY MUM IS A WHORE. I love her. She brought me into this world. Well, actually she had a Caesarean...She was just my oven. My sister made a comment about her many boyfriends....No one in the house is talking now. Awkward silence. Considering just walking out, but frankly, I'm a bit of an anti-rebel...I would probably never do it...Even though I would love to. I just, I find her a massive hypocrite, she seems to think she can control our lives then flip out when we get upset because she goes out at one in the morning and doesn't get back until the next day. Oh well, I will quite happily live :'). I tried to briefen my whine as much as possible (please don't say i'm not the only one who can't say whine or moan without just picking up on endless sexual references?) so I didn't bore you to tears, or make you think I was a little whiny (tehe) bitch. I promise I'll be more humorous next time, or attempted humorous, it'll just be a little bit less serious. And a lot less boring xD.

Oh dear.

(I did mean to tell you about W, I wrote this as a draft a while back, have it now dudes and dudettes)
I am choosing tonight to make an important life decision. I'm going to stop dating (God I hate that term) freerunners. Yes. They're hot. Yes, they have amazing bodies. Yes, I am close to seeing another one. Lying cheating bastards best friend....W. He's hot. He seems nice enough. He's also a druggy and a heavy smoker who has only recently gotten over a bad case of crabs. He's now after me.

So whilst I am well aware I shouldn't go for him. I know I'm going to end up doing it. Lets count the situations we've been in with...chemistry (Another hated term...gotta stop doing this)

1. First met him (in person, we spoke for ages about a year ago)...Just talking. Still....something. Possibly due to his slight rebelliousness.
2. Trying to make creepy stalker jealous
3. At the park
4. outside my house with lots of kissing
5. At his cuddling up watching a film

p.s.... I just remembered why I deleted this. He showed up at my door. We started going out that evening, after a lot of kissing and a water fight...awkward. And we broke up after two days. So basically, I broke up with him, because he was a nob, but I feel I acted way too quickly and have blown any chance with him. FUCK IT.

Whoops.

Okay. So I've decided making promises to myself is completely and utterly pointless. Firstly, I promised myself I would make sure to continue writing my blog for all four of my followers....that worked. Have fun with your monthly post then guys! 

Also, and this one i'm terribly upset with myself for. After a very short (2 days, to be precise) relationship with W. A prick with apparently a small veiny nob according to his best friend. Yet another freerunner, and yet another best friend of creepy stalker, along with Lying cheating dickhead. I was like "blah blah blah ahhh i'm gonna stop going for his best friends and freerunners, never goes well". Then....S comes along. Starts talking to me to try and get me back with W. Then...We talked, and talked, and continued talking. And now we're close. And wahoo, another promise to myself is broken!

PART 2 OF THE MONTHLY BLOG- THE STRIVE FOR PERFECTION

Ok, so me and my best friend have made a summer to-do list. Yes, I lack a life that severely. Here it is:

- TANNING SESSION(S)  / get a magical tan
- BUY NEW BIKINIS
- BUY NEW PLAYSUITS/ SKATER DRESSES/ ACCESORIES
- BUY BEACH GEARS
-SORT OUT HEAD HAIR
- GET FEET DONE
- SAVE SOME MONEY
- CAZJJJ PAMPER
- DO A WEEKLY WORKOUT
- BE COMPLETELY HAIR FREE

yes, that is all. Me and her are close. We're actually getting there, done most of the shopping part. You know how it is, a bunch of us are going to the beach in easter. I'm going with some very hot freerunners (SHUT UP I KNOW)....so we need to look pretty damn perfect. and i'm the small boobed one. So today, we've done a workout DVD, pussycat dolls, hell yeah. We looked pathetic and I think I'm mentally scared by "BITE IT, STEP IT, PUSH IT, SLAP IT". This is a rather provocative move in which you bite your finger, in a sexual manner. Step forward with slightly too much hip exaggeration. Push your butt out in a completely unnatural position, and finally, slap your bum until you have a red hand print on there. Interesting. So yeah, wish me lots of luck in getting gorgeous. 

Also, by magical tan, I do mean fake tan. This should be interesting....This and the blonde hair dying....ONE WAY ROAD TO BARBIEVILLE. Just with a greater love of classic rock...

;D

So you may be wondering the significance of the above winky face. It's because I've discovered....I am a flirt. I always knew I was a flirt but god I'm a FLIRT. So I'm having a lovely little chat to lying cheating dickhead. We've established we would be perfect as a couple, just not in a relationship. Predicament.

He's hot though. Who knows where this will lead eh? Have to wait and see.

I feel sicky.

Soooooo I'm bored. I'm ill. And not at school. I guess it's a possibility that I feel sick because I ate Mcdonalds 20 minutes before bed..Made me feel sicky. That and I didn't want to go to school today. So I'm not at school. I'm at home *yawn*. It should be more fun than it is. I wanna do a Ferris Bueller style day off. Someone get me the phone I'm ringing the school to say someones grandma has just died.

I'm ashamed of myself. I think I'm starting to like One Direction. They're hot. And can actually sing surprisingly well. Swoon. I feel like such a fan-girl. Insert cheesy picture of band with a heart around it here. 

I now have an image of both Steven Tyler and One Direction on the same page. If this was someone else's blog I would be so disappointed right now.

Abnormality.

It's times like these you realise quite how abormal you're life is. Going on a trip to McDonalds with my sister and her boss at work. I swear that isn't normal? Wow...All so strange.

Feeling So Fucking Stupid.

So I've had a shitty day. I've been frustrated. And stressed. And feeling generally like crap. Normally in this mood I'll get E to help me with coursework (which turns into mindless flirting). So I tried...and nope. Not happening. Kinda proves something eh? I know not all guys are after one thing and blah blah blah...but it looks like he was. So glad that's all that happened, before I made a mistake I seriously regretted. Should have known better from the guy who doesn't even date. 

Either way. I feel fucking stupid and like I should have been more careful and like I shouldn't have done it (which I've been feeling all day anyway). I've decided I need to go for nicer guys and stop getting hurt. I also need to be less easy...Even if it is E. Just feeling a tiny bit slutty. And terribly used.

Stupid Mistakes...again

So have I told you yet that when I'm upset or in an argument i go all rebellious and usually make stupid decisions I regret...? Well I do. So my mum and step dad recently split up, and my mum can't seem to be on her own, so in the space between christmas day and now we've had two different "dads" brought in. It's been pretty tough. Well one of them got really stalkerish, so she got rid of him....now she's gone back to him. Safe to say that pissed me off more than a little bit. So we had a little bit of an argument earlier and i shuffled off into my room to listen to music and talk to E on skype....

We talked, and talked...And then he was joking around. He was giving me confidence boosts..and i was sitting there just in my football shirt and underwear. I do crazy things. Things just to prove a point that I'm not a little girl anymore, especially when my mum tells my sister things and not me like she did today. It hurts and I will act up. So when he joked around, as most guys do. I took a swig of vodka and the shirt came off. I don't know why I did it...I feel stupid and slaggy. He seems sweet, I truly trust he won't tell anyone...But I think he's embarrassed...his word. I'm not sure if that's genuinely how he's feeling or he just used the wrong word. Either way that slightly hurt. I need to stop making stupid impulsive decisions. I also need to stop downing straight vodka...Damn it you slut.

Note to self: Stop fucking things up and being a slut.

whoops/eeeeeep

Ok. Damn it. I missed yesterdays post, keeping an anonymous blog that none of your friends know about is difficult when your friend is round. Hectic day yesterday. E got home, apparently I got a text straight after he got back....that's a positive. But also apparently he can't see us meeting up because he knows none of my friends and isn't that confident and blah blah blah. Damn it. But, i'll win, I will meet up with him. I will win.

Also, that's the extent of my love life issues for a day....But not my best friends. He found out his girlfriend cheated on him with his best friend in a drunken mishap. I've spent all night trying to be there for him and comfort him, God he's a mess...Although he seems happier now, and has said he is going to hit his friend. Nice one M! You brilliant dude.

*yawnnnn*

So you're only getting one post tonight, you unlucky people. This is purely because I have been exiled from my own house to my dearest nan's house. This is because my mum's boyfriend is round. Thankyou ever so much for that mother dearest.

Anyway. My nan loves in a block of flats, resulting in extremely poor phone signal, no 3GS, and she's decided she doesn't need Internet. So I fear this will be a painfully slow process.

Anyway, I've had an extremely tiring day. As I was forcefully dragged out of my house by ten o'clock. Yes that is early for me. I was dragged to lakeside. A half an hour drive away, because my sister, being the loving friend she is, decided to buy her best friend a Paul's boutique bag. Why I had to join her I don't know.

Ever get it when people talk when you're asleep? And you start to hear what people say in your dreams? And you see people saying it? That happened earlier. All I know is it was a good dream (even though I can't remember it), as I vaguely remember laughing. Anyway. I'm standing in a room of people....And we're all talking....and then. Out of nowhere, one by one they take it in turns to shout the word "pirates"...yes. This confused me. It turns out, it was my sister shouting out my name (which I will tell you now sounds nothing like the word pirates). So yeah, I was woken up by a feminine voice shouting out the word pirates. Thankyou my loving sister. You make this existence such a joyful one.

And a quick update on the omegle guy. We spoke for about three hours. It was amazing. To avoid him signing out (I was enjoying a good intelligent conversation!) I told him I was a 17 year old hairdressing apprentice (not strictly a lie. I work in a hairdressers and they have offered me an apprenticeship for when I leave school. And I was just rounding upwards (kinda). At two in the morning I told him I was leaving. We exchanged goodbyes, and well wishings of a good life. And just like that. Gone. Plenty more fish in the sea eh?

Now. Even though it is 3 minutes past 6. I will catch up on sleep. To make up for the lay in that was rudely disturbed this morning. Goodbye readers.

Omegle.

OK, so in a desperate attempt to get more page views I'm going to rather extreme measures. (Hi to anyone that has come here from my link. Nice talking to you again) After facing many rejections from horny fuckers that can't get laid that go on purely in the hope of a quick flash on Skype, i checked my page, a pretty rapid increase in page views. Not too bad. Anyway, thankyou to anyone who is reading this from Omegle.

Anyway, out of boredom of tirelessly copy and pasting a quick introduction to get people to come and check this out, i decided to cure my boredom by answering an anonymous question. One word...

Wow.

So my question was: "What do you think of gay/lesbian partnership?" 

We've now gotten into a deep conversation and I think I'm in love. Not that the 18 year old has asked my age yet. We'll cross that bridge when we come to it. We're talking about consciousness, and being, and it's been so long since I've has a conversation like this but God it's amazing. He's challenging me with new ideas purely to see if i can respond. So far I can. I'm amazing at arguing. Anyway, we're talking about pure controversy and I love it. Even though odds are he's some weird guy sitting behind a computer that was previously showing people his cock. God I'm picturing him as attractive right now. He actually seems to get my opinions, even if it is just so he can grasp them enough to challenge them. Hey, I like a challenge!

Why do I find arrogance this attractive? Damn you (probably not) hot nerd. Anyway, back to my intellectual conversation. It's a nice distraction from anything else!

"I don't like plastic people." "Maybe you should move then?"

Okay, so of my three page views I am not going to break my promise. I said I would tell you about "The Woman In Black" so here goes. Spoiler alert.

That was scary.

For a 12A I can honestly say had I watched that when I was 12 I would have probably quite literally wet myself. Although, I'm pretty sure any potential tension was completely ruined by the high pitched squeal of my 15 year old male friend. Spent a majority of that film in hysterics, laughing at the pure femininity that I think I can safely say resulted in a significant loss of man points. So what should have been a tense and scary film was utterly disturbed by the mental replaying of the squeal that managed to come from the 15 year old boy's mouth. Congratulations, I'm not sure you can still be classed as male. Although you did cause a lot of amusement. Another congratulations on that. I'm not going to lie, I would recommend this, although, wouldn't if you're looking for a happy end. It doesn't have one. Is a good film...If not utterly petrifying at times, definitely take someone to cuddle if possible ;D.

Before I sign off. There was a monkey in this film that looked identical to Steven Tyler. Which I find a crazy coincidence, considering my earlier post. But no I would not do the monkey. Although it was genuienly quite strange.

P.P.S

I forgot to mention. You know I told you about I? Mr nice guy? Well, yeah, Mr Nice Guy not so nice. He shall now be known as child. Apparently deleting people off of Facebook is how you get over them? How mature of you. Oh well, at least I no longer have desperate attempts at conversation constantly. As bitchy as that sounds.

P.P.P.S (this is the last one I swear, getting beyond a joke now)...E (Mr Hot)....back from holiday tonight. Eeeeeeeep.

And yes. I do insist on using only initials. I get paranoid easily, and knowing my bad luck someone who dislikes me will read this and put 2 + 2 together. And just happen to be right. I am not taking that risk.

Obsessed.

"ooooooooh"

Another reminder of the influential mind of a teenager. I've developed an unhealthy obsession with "Awkward.". It's surprisingly good. Another reminder of losing yourself in a fantasy world that you could only dream you live in. It's OK to wish. Well, anyway, I've watched season 1 twice in two days. I think that is bad. It's good (got nothing to do with the eye candy)...(at all).

Going to see "The Woman In Black" tonight with a group of my friends. Apparently it's good, despite the fact I don't want to scream and hysterically cry in front of my friends. Apparently it's scary. And about ghosts and stuff, I'll get back to you on that one.

P.S. Out of nowhere my love for classic rock has reappeared. Guilty crush on Steven Tyler. I know he's old and ugly, but if he was younger...I definitely would. Oh that attitude. Who said looks are everything?!

My Current Situation(s)

I hate to be tedious and drone on about my love life, but it's the most complicated and probably the only interesting aspect of my life. This is going to make me sound like a slut. I grasp that, but yeah, I have options. No idea why. I'm average looking and I'm not exactly easy. OK, so to break it down, my current options are A, I, E, M, creepy stalker, and lying cheating dickhead. Pardon my french. Here is a brief summary of each:

• A- The older guy. Technically not single, but they're in a rough patch. He was almost my new years kiss, but due to me acting embarrassed as a substitute for joy. I blew that one. He has extremely attractive cheekbones.
• I - the nice guy. He's genuinely lovely. He is sweet. He is also boring. He goes to a grammar school, tries far too desperately to make conversation. and ends up just making me fall asleep. Unfortunately due to some drunken mishap he was my new years kiss. But unfortunately, I know his family, and they really want us two to end up together. I cannot see it happening. I need a little bit of excitement.
• E- Extremely hot. A traveler. He is pretty clever, although I tutor him in maths slightly. We're close, people constantly say they could see us together, despite the fact we haven't met up since last October, unless weekly 4 hour video calls count. Which I don't think they do. He's a nice person, but does not do relationships. He leads me on, asking how he could get a date with me, then asking what made me think he wanted one. Yes, he's confusing. I've only ever met him twice. Once at a party where he laid on me in his boxers, and again at the cinema to see Paranormal Activity, where his best friend felt the need to exclaim the word "boner" in the silent cinema.
• M- 21st century romance. He's cute, but still hung up on another girl. He asked me for my address so he could put roses on my doorstep. He's a cutey, but i find it all a bit suffocating. Also, his tireless chasing made him lose his best friend. I don't like that.
• Creepy Stalker- "I don't want anything right now..." "I'll wait for you!"...all that need be said. On the upside, I believe he's moved on now. He's seeing another girl. Thank God for that.
• Lying cheating dickhead- Creepy stalker's best friend. He kissed me then told me he had a girlfriend. Unfortunately I never seem to be able to straight up forget him. Damn it.

Ok, sorry for the first vent. I probably just scared you away. I know it's all a bit cliche to write a blog about love life, but it probably won't all be about that, let's just call it the most interesting aspect of my life. Sorry for the novel, it's still a bit of an introduction, it should get better from here.

An average introduction.

So, this is all quite new, not one for sharing feelings. So this will literally be a vent. If you're reading this, don't expect a lot exciting to happen. According to a rather good looking male (who will now be known as E) i'm a "desired individual". I personally don't believe him, probably a desperate attempt to get in the pants of anything with a vagina. 

So i'm not expecting hits. None of them to be precise, although I guess attempting couldn't hurt. I genuinely expect that my single reader a month may be a creepy person, who will chuckle at my desperate attempts of living a life, I don't see it. I don't see anything happening to be completely honest, but i figure I should at least try to find a secure way of venting privately. Well...anonymously...private is not the word. Either way, I've seen this done on TV, and they make it look easy, and actually quite useful. Whilst I see that due to my lack of dedication i will give this up pretty soon, it could put some life events into perspective, and be a handy way of looking back at them.

Okay, I'm lazy, so this is probably the longest post I will ever write, but I feel I should sign off with some basic facts. My name is going to remain unknown. I'm 15. I come from Essex, in England. I am not orange colored, do not have bleach blonde hair (working on that one), but where I come from, that makes me completely imperfect, and unnoticed, despite the fact I do actually have a fair amount of confidence, but confidence cannot be mistaken for trust. That I have none of. I am not popular. I have friends, as far as I know I have no enemies, although I don't doubt that a lot of people hold a strong dislike to me. Anyway. I'm still a virgin (also leaves me looking down upon where I come from), this means I am quite regular, and where the name comes from, I'm average. There isn't a lot to me and I can easily be mistaken for being boring (it's probably right). I'm completely average.