Ouch.

I've realised how good I had gotten at emotional detachment. 

I think that's all gone now. My step dad brought me up for about 12 years. Bipolar. When he stopped taking his medication he kinda went crazy. He left on christmas day. And he's currently in my house. I can't go down and see him. I've not spoken to him since he left. And this is killing me. Hearing his voice. The familiar voice I spent so much of my life being raised by. The voice I used to joke around to. His phone just went off, the exact same ringtone. This is hurting so much. I can't help but miss how it used to be but now I know that I'm kind of losing the ability to just have no feeling. All the feeling is coming back and this is what I was afraid of. I knew once the feeling comes back i'm going to regret so much and i'm not ready for that just yet but I think it's doing it. 

I can't stop shaking. I can't help it. More than anything I want to go downstairs and hit him or hug him or something but i'm going to stay here because I can't get involved again. I really can't do it.