Feeling proud.

I just got back from my friends with C (again). T'was very funny (again). Although no hair dying happened :(, makes it terrible! But I've now decided I need some life goals. So here they are...

1. Do absolutely amazing in the exams this week.
2. Find someone absolutely amazing whom any sexual acts with would not be classed as pedophilia.
3. Get a kiss of C (just because)
4. Keep caught up on sleep
5. Catch up on homework/ coursework
6. Keep caught up on homework/ coursework
7. Become slightly less bitchy
8. Choose normal times to leave my house
9. Become less of a flirt
10. Stop caring quite so much and setting myself aims that are unachievable without the motivation I blatantly lack :D

ALEEEEEEERRRRRRT.

THIS WAS WRITTEN YESTERDAY BUT NOT POSTED AS I FELL ASLEEP FOR REASONS YOU ARE ABOUT TO SYMPATHIZE WITH.

Hmmm....it appears we have a new guy on the scene. Probably won't last long. There is an age gap :(. C. He is good looking, and such a lovely person, but he's 18...(don't judge he's no pedo)

I've not mentioned him because I figured when I meet up with him we'll be JUST friends with no hope of anything more. We have been talking for quite a while. I think I was wrong,

Basically I had one of the best mornings of my life today. We had joked around that he was going to come and get me for a mcdonalds. I thought we were joking. I was asleep...then my phone goes off next to my year "I'll be there in about 20 minutes. 

So 2 in the morning and i'm told he's outside. I get in the car....and he's hotter than I remember, don't know how...but he is. And he says we're going to pick up my best friend, which kinda bugged me because she can occasionally just act slutty to avoid being the third wheel, which annoys me. I knew she would. 

So this was possibly the best morning of my life. We get back home after driving quite far away for this McDonalds and my friend says "no one is home, let's eat it at mine" So after sleeping for 3 hours the night before then working all day my intention was to eat then go home and sleep. It seemed like the best thing to do. So after ordering 40 chicken nuggets, this was always going to take a while anyway. But at 4 we tried to convince him to let us dye his hair. He did. He now has purple hair...it was meant to come out brown....I don't even know. Then we went to tesco which wasn't even open....so we went back to my friends. She was doing all she could to try and get involved...didn't work. We were cuddling up for ages watching a film, then she tried to come over.....one word....FAIL. He then was laying on the sofa in the prime spooning position. I decided to be difficult. After about ten minutes I think he gave up and literally just picked me up and put me on my side...Win or what. 

But we did have an awkward moment. It's no secret girls want him, even less of a secret that he's no virgin. But we weren't sure the extent...so we asked...after a while of counting...he's had sex with 27 different girls. 5 of them models. WHAT?! Yeah. Shocked me. He's nice though, just a mega shame about the age gap :(, and the fact I think I have slightly too much to be number whatever I would be by that point.

Basically urghhh

I worked for 8 hours straight today.

I got 3 and a half hours sleep last night.

I am rather hungover and feel physically sick.

This is not good. At all. So yeah I've been slightly flirting with my brothers friend all day....the one from yesterday. That's probably bad...I've been out with one of his best friends before. So i'm tired. But I was forced to make a decision here...late night Mcdonalds or no Mcdonalds at all...I CHOOSE LATE NIGHT. So basically I'm getting close to C...my best friend has a thing for him. This is bad. He's lovely. He is really complimenting...he's smart...he can drive...yeah he's 18. That's a 3 year age gap. I was talking to my sister about it, she goes "no it's not big but it is when one is legal and one isn't."...but he is lovely. And he's got a family party tonight and is on "taxi duty" taking drunk people home from theirs...and then when he's done he's picking me up and we're going down to the drive-thru. Should be a laugh, we talk non-stop. But I don't want my friend to find out..we both know we should invite her but neither of us want to so we won't...makes me feel bad though, she'll be pretty pissed off if she finds out. Anyone sweet followers..I'm gonna try and have a nap. I feel so tired :(

Damn this

Okay so I've been at a wedding all day. Been drinking since about three. Now I'm slightly tipsy. And I got home and I'm staying at my dads tonight so I went and chilled with my step brother and his mate for a bit. He's only the year above me and his mate is quite hot. To piss my step brother off as a joke we were acting really flirty but then we like fell on my brothers bed now there's this sexual tension which has obviously put me in a sexually frustrated mood and he's literally through the wall
And this is killing me slowly :(

Hahahahahaha

E's best friend really does like making stuff awkward.
Yesterday was the first time he straight up told me he knew. Talking about W's fight and this is the conversation
"haha would you shag him?"
"hell no. God knows what I'd catch"
"haha, crabs? Chlamydia?"
"No idea ;)"
"so how many people you shagged?"
"just one"
"ooo I know who that is ;)"
"I know you do ;)"
"would you again?"
"well we aren't really talking right now,, but I guess if we got that close again"
"oooo just him?"
"well being in a relationship doesn't bother me as long as we're close?"
"oooo so no one else? ;)"
"probably not"
"haha that's a shame ;)"
OK REALLY?! YOUR BEST FRIEND LOST HIS V TO ME KEEP YOUR DICK IN YOUR PANTS I AM NOT GOING TO BANG YOU. Sorry.

The Occurance Of Events.

Okay. so let's start off with the serious stuff. I've been put on serious best friend duty. I told you about the two best friends having sex? Turns out...they used no protection. And he didn't pull out. (sorry for the graphicness)

and now she is extremely stressed. My other friend is making jokes at him. Calling him daddy. But I can tell my friend is worried as hell, I can understand why. I've told her I will go to any doctors or anything when it is time to, there is not a lot else I can do. But God knows how stressed she is right now, I couldn't imagine it. But the males being males...Well one of my other best friends is buying daddy a personalized fathers day card :D

Second bit is I need to learn to keep my mouth shut. I'm gonna get an even worse reputation and this isn't even true. Mummy was tweeting stuff about something I know. A serial cheat, like seriously, there is a rather long list of people he's cheated on...has cheated on his girlfriend again. With my best friend. And I told mummy, because we do tell each other everything, as bad as it sounds that I did. But she tweeted about it, and the girlfriend saw it and started asking her about it...so she said it was someone with a girlfriend and me...IT'S NOT EVEN TRUE! But I guess it's worth it, I'm not getting involved in this messed up little relationship again.

Also. I saw W on the way home from school. First time since he was round mine last. Gave me a cheeky grin....which reallllly shouldn't still make me swoon a little bit. Anyway, I was about to confront him about sending the pictures to Awkward, then he kinda snapped and was like "i'm really not in the mood"...and when asked why he said he had just been in a fight with some kid, who to be honest I don't really know about their relationship, but I do know that E is in his profile picture. Let's 'ave a nice bit o' awkwardness eh?

LASTLY ON A LIGHTER BUT MORE SADDENING NOTE I HAVE MY GLASSES AND THEY LOOK HORRENDOUS. SEE FOR YOURSELF.

...

So i've decided I kinda want to go out for a late night run tonight. I will do. Need to clear my head.

But I have an issue. I'm currently home alone, don't know when my sister is in...I worry that that might be the one thing keeping me from asking W over. But I won't. Not gonna let myself get in this situation again. Especially considering people at his school now know about me and E, I am not getting myself an even worse reputation. 

But I think it's bad that that's kinda the only thing stopping me :/

FUCKING SORT MY LIFE OUT PLEASE.

Update.

When asked why he asked.
His response was "we said we was gonna have sex this Sunday."
I said "did we?"
He said "yeah xxx"
Hmmm. I probably said that to avoid actually shagging him.

I'm such a load of talk.

W just asked me if I have a free house any point today. I told him I don't. But why aren't I just ignoring him or even better straight up rejecting him?

Like seriously. After finding out his intentions. And after knowing what he sent to awkward. I'm fucking pissed off with myself. At least I'm not meeting up with him, or at least shouldn't be. It's a start. Just a bit of a crappy one..

OH FUCK.

The shakes are back. With a vengeance. SHIT.

So earlier I got tweeted from my friend G, he said he needed to talk to me, and then told me to forget it. I figured he had either seen the pictures or knew about me and E. Or there was a tiny chance he knew about something completely different..I wasn't that lucky. I eventually rang him. He said one name to me. The name belonging to E. I literally felt my heart drop. I mean, I had guessed people would find out, I had hoped they wouldn't but I knew they would, it was inevitable. But it still is a fucking shock when you know they know. Turns out he told one of his best mates, now practically everyone knows. Luckily G rang me to tell me people knew, I would rather I knew they knew rather than wondered if they did. I tried texting E. I told him people knew, and asked him how and stuff. He hasn't even replied. Fucking class mate. I mean, this is probably the time where it would be convenient to have someone to talk to, especially the only other person besides myself who got me into this mess, him.

My best friend told me people have mentioned it but they really don't mind, they aren't that fussed, but G said that people are only just finding out, so it could get bigger. Let's hope the first one is the actual scenario. 

Also, my two best friends fucked. Leaving just one virgin in my little four, bless him. But now they're in an argument because he told people. I'm talking to them both telling them not to make the same mistake I did and drive the other one away because they will regret it. They're not really listening. God shit is messed up right now.

OMG WAIT WHAT.

I think I just found out some of the funniest news of my life.

It makes facetime mild. I don't think any sexual experience could compare to it.

Basically, earlier, I was out with my three closest friends. And two of them are really close, like, everytime they are drunk together something happens, when they're sober they just act like a couple. We were talking about their drunken experiences earlier...It turns out a while back they went off to actually have sex (they haven't....yet)....he tried...he got it in....A few seconds later the words "WRONG HOLE!" were shouted out and it was quickly removed. 

But this was the time everyone knew she had, as my step mum likes to put this term "sucked his noodle."...SO...as they were telling us about this mishap. I had a thought...and said "wait..was this before or after the blow job."

Their jaws almost hit the floor. She looked horrified. He apologised...a lot....quickly followed by hysterics all round. Suddenly my losing my v experience seems like nothing :'D

My fantasy world.

I have to wake up. I guess it's good to dream, but I have to stop it. 

I seem to get the feeling that I want my life to be a story. I want my life to be completely abnormal. I want a big fairytale. I want a romantic gesture from the guy of my dreams, for him to tell me i'm all he ever wanted and I mean the world to him. Yeah we'd break up. But it'd be a story.

I want to go somewhere I don't know. I want to act like I have that rock star attitude where it just seems like I don't give a damn in hell what anyone thinks. Make a fool out of myself just because I can.

I just want some abnormality.

8D

Okay so I'm a nerd. I'll admit it. Top sets for everything, I read a lot, I'm just a bit geeky. But I've always had one thing said to me "You can't be a nerd. You're actually mildly attractive" (complimenting friends I have.)..and let's face it. I don't look like the stereotypical nerd. I care about the way I look, I wear a fair amount of makeup (Without looking orange) I straighten my hair. I dye my hair. I do put effort in....but now. Oh I've just had some news.

....I need glasses.

I mean, there is nothing wrong with glasses...on most people. But i'm not going to lie...my head vaguely resembles a football. It's quite round. Basically. I have a really small head. So all glasses just look abnormal on me. Simply because...They don't fit my face. They cover a pretty large percentage of it. So I really don't suit glasses. And I need them. My eyesight is pretty bad. When I was younger, I always used to have the fantasy that if I got glasses I would have the whole sexy secretary look going for me...I don't. I look like a little nerdy kid. And after today at school my makeup was all coming off. I'm looking a bit spotty. My hair had lost it's curl....basically. I looked a mess. So you can tell. Brilliant news of the day...

I'M GONNA BE A STEREOTYPICAL GEEK.

;)?

Ok. So I spent all of last night talking to E's best friend.
He knows.
I knows He knows.
I think He knows I know He knows.
Which made the whole conversation just awkward.
It was just a normal conversation. But after every single line he was putting a winky face. Even something that clearly had no relevance to the whole E thing. The only lines where it was even slightly valid were "just laying in bed ;)"
And "I guess I owe you one ;)"
I'm pretty sure he's now got some deranged fantasy that because I slept with his best friend he has a valid chance. He doesn't.
Towards the end I got slightly frustrated and just decided to ask him. I said "what's with the constant winky faces"
His reply "Ermm...I always use them ;)"
Yeah. Definitely. At least the most awkward moment of my life (besides FaceTime) is over now. E. THANKYOU so much for bringing a new meaning of the word awkward into my life.

Ouch.

I've realised how good I had gotten at emotional detachment. 

I think that's all gone now. My step dad brought me up for about 12 years. Bipolar. When he stopped taking his medication he kinda went crazy. He left on christmas day. And he's currently in my house. I can't go down and see him. I've not spoken to him since he left. And this is killing me. Hearing his voice. The familiar voice I spent so much of my life being raised by. The voice I used to joke around to. His phone just went off, the exact same ringtone. This is hurting so much. I can't help but miss how it used to be but now I know that I'm kind of losing the ability to just have no feeling. All the feeling is coming back and this is what I was afraid of. I knew once the feeling comes back i'm going to regret so much and i'm not ready for that just yet but I think it's doing it. 

I can't stop shaking. I can't help it. More than anything I want to go downstairs and hit him or hug him or something but i'm going to stay here because I can't get involved again. I really can't do it.

Pahahahahahahahahaha

So i've told you all I work in a hairdressers right? Well It's one where it's mainly old people that come in. So some of the stuff they say is truly hilarious. So one of the girls is leaving, and this woman gave her some advice as she left. Some little 80 year old woman. Called Doris. Turns around to her, and says...

"Be good. Be careful. And if you forget, remember the date and count nine months on."

So I wrote it as my skype message, because it amused me. Then realised as E's name popped up saying he had logged on how bad it looks. Oh God. How cringy. Especially considering we're not even talking. Cue scared thoughts from E thinking I'm pregnant. I really didn't think that one through.

God I need a life.

I'm really not sure if you've all realised but basically I have a super addictive personality. I've smoked and never got hooked...but tv programs. They seem to be my weakness.

Soooo my newest obsession. Hellcats.

I've started watching it from the beginning. Started yesterday. over halfway through the season. And it's whilst watching this episode that I've been struck by an extreme sense of jealousy. I got this whilst watching Awkward. I wanted to be in the situation of being the quiet kid with these guys chasing after me. That hasn't happened...But this one...This scenario is going on. 

So. They had sex. They lost their virginities to each other. They were best friends at the time. (sounding familiar yet?)...And then they didn't talk for over six months (me and E aren't talking) and now they're back to being best friends and have been for years and arghhhh I want my life to be a TV program. Buuuut it isn't. Oh how I wish I didn't spend this long living in some fantasy dream world. But what do you know. I do. Fingers crossed my life eventually mirrors this. I hate losing people. Especially people I was once so close to. It's possible we'll make up in time of course. Who knows.

YOU BABE.

Ok. So awkward got W to delete the pictures. I know he's probably gonna read this so I fricking love you man. W is a dick and my sole intention from now onwards is to abolish all contact with him. Besides the fact I had sex with E he has nothing on me. Which is a relief. Bye bye you desperate bastard. Sorry to offend your best mate awkward ;D

I feel so cliche.

Me and E. we're nothing. Absolutely nothing. We were just speaking. Me over thinking things fucked everything up "put him off me"..he said we weren't even friends right now, maybe at a later point. Oh that's alright then.

I wish I could criticise him. Bring myself to say the classic lines "all he wanted was sex" or "he got what he wanted now he's leaving"..but the truth is I drove him away. I really did. Because for the few days we were close after it happened he was perfect. We were like we were together. That's all gone now, we're just nothing.

It fucking hurts.
I still don't believe it when they say having sex with someone builds up feelings or we wouldn't now not be talking...ending with the words "See you around, sorry to end the friendship a bit rough"...yeah it fucking did. But I do believe that there must have been something there before. Or 1. I wouldn't have been able to do it. I couldn't with W. and 2. I wouldn't be finding it this hard to accept we're over. Trying to delete all our texts. I can't do it. Too many messages. I think I'm crying over him. I hope not. I can't stand getting that emotionally attached to someone.

I don't know what's wrong with me. But I do feel like another classic case of fucked and chucked. That'd be if we were together to begin with..which we weren't. I just don't know. I don't know if he ever saw me as more than a very lifelike sex doll. I still hope so.

Do me an ickle favour?

I promise you all I will not make a habit of this.

But yeah. I owe this kid a favor or two as it is, and he's a good guy. I reckon you'll get giggles out of it. Meet awkward/ creepy stalker. I feel you should  view his blog and cheer up his little life ;D.

http://awkwardboyforeveralone.blogspot.co.uk/

Heh.

Oh god. I just thought I'd have a little read through my old posts. And found this. "I know not all guys are after one thing and blah blah blah...but it looks like he was. So glad that's all that happened, before I made a mistake I seriously regretted. Should have known better from the guy who doesn't even date. " Ok, so basically. This is the guy I had sex with...No...Lost my virginity to. And we're back to feeling really stupid. I guess we aren't talking as much right now, well, we aren't at all. Back to feeling like a fucking idiot.

That's not the only reason why. When W was round last night....He took some pictures of me. I tried to stop  him. But he took them. I found out he showed them to awkward. I was sick. I feel so ill. I've not really stopped shaking since. My fingertips are still trembling. He's apparently going to threaten to put them on Facebook if I don't do what he wants. I know what that will be. And we're back to feeling ill. But Awkward said he'll delete them...I really hope he does. I'm so weak recently, I couldn't cope with this on top of it all. It's too much.

Deepest apologies.

Creepy stalker. I'm changing your name. Now you'll just be awkward. I fucking love you man. I'm doing something that takes a lot of guts here. I'm letting you see this blog. Your opinion of me will be so lowered mate ;). I take you for granted. You are a good friend. I apologise for everything you're about to see...deeply. 

Please don't make this change your mind about doing me the most amazing favour in the world.

LOVE YOU LOADS.

Oh dear god

I'm such an attention whore. I just did something stupid. Arguing with my best friend because she wants to fuck W. So I've just taken a lot of paracetamol. I know I'll be fine, I've taken more than this before. I know I'm not suicidal. I just try to scare myself out of harvest I don't like to be honest. If you don't hear from me for a while it's because I'm lazy...not dead...hopefully ;)

Now to lighten the mood enjoy this image of barney the dinosaur.

YOLO...?

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