Writing from under my rock.

Okay so i've decided to become a hermit. 

I was predicted all A* in my GCSE's....and i'm not quite getting them. Year in and i'm close to dropping a set. This is bad for me. So i'm going to spend an abnormal amount of time revising and like doing homework and stuff so from now i'll just have no social life yeah okay just a warning.

EMERGENCY BLOG. (i feel sick)

Parts of this will definitely discourage alcohol drinking...other parts may make you want to pour yourself a strong one. Just a warning okay. But the first discouragement should be when I tell you I have a serious fucking churn in my stomach. This blog will start off with the day...then go on I the night and OW I JUST YAWNED THAT HURT. Warning. May contain chunks of memory missing, due to alcohol consumption/

Okay so yesterday I had work obviously. There is a new apprentice....who is in E's year at his school....She told me the facetime story, but not who it was about..when I then hid my face and told her my full name....awkward. Then C came and got me, and we went for a drive, and we went off for a wander through a huge field. It was amazing, we were just having such amazing talks (even though I found out he is seeing someone "exclusively" apparently, who already hates me because of the scratches) and turned up to my friends party like an hour late....now onto the friends party.

Me and C had a bottle of Jaegermeister to share...Yeah a litre of the stuff, that about says it all. Some people there were already drunk, so I was greeted pretty much by the same thing everytime..."So so so what happened with you and E", and then people hitting on me. So C saw that was effecting me and was like "pint Jaegerbomb" I wasn't going to refuse. We did the drink....10 minutes later and I don't think I could stand up. We'll start with the mild events of the night.

1. I played bongos on E's best friends chest.
2. I got hit on by a number of people but rejected them all
3. I got a speech from this guy who was like "you're so beautiful and what E did was wrong and not fair and I can't believe he did that, you deserve so much better and don't let him put you down, you will find someone who treats you better, ok?

And now onto the serious shit.
Ermmm yeah, me and C. I walked down the park with him, and started kissing him, and at that point he was like, no you're 15, no that isn't fair, no don't you'll regret it so much. So after a while of slightly trying to make something happen, I gave up and we went back. On the way back I fell over on the pavement, and that's why my head hurts... Then we sat outside my friends house, then I dragged him back down the park. This time slightly more happened. Okay, he told my friend he was just walking me home, and that was fully his intention, however that is not what happened. I asked if we could go sit down the park for a little bit before I went home because my sister was in. So he picked me up and carried me, and then when we got there he like span me round so I was sitting on his lap. And then I reached up and kissed him...but this time he kissed back. And we sat there for a while kissing...and then I felt him undo my bra with his hands up my top, and I kinda got the feeling something was going to happen, so I asked him if he wanted to go round the corner, so we weren't in plain view of the road...And he said yeah, so he picked me up with my legs around his waist and started kissing me, a lot. Then he sat me down on some climbing frame thing, and like my legs were still wrapped around him. And he was kissing me, and his hand was up my top, and then his hand went down my leggings, so his hands were just under my underwear...then I think he fingered me...And then stopped himself. And walked away, and started smoking. And everytime he came within like talking distance, I was just asking him why not, obviously I knew why, he is seeing someone exclusively, and i'm 15.  He was saying how there is 3 years, and how bad it made him feel and how we shouldn't. And we didn't. But he kept saying "shit, you're 15 and you're making this so fucking hard for me"...Everytime I said that I scratched his back, and apparently he finds that a turn on, because at that point he gave up and his hands would start to wander or at the least he would kiss me. Apparently no amount of scratching, biting, kissing, or sucking (HIS NECK WHAT DO YOU TAKE ME FOR) could take away the three years. I didn't believe him, I don't think he believed himself.  I kept saying "what do you want, not what you think is right?"...He refused to answer that question. And I said "prove you don't want it, take it too far and then turn back, then I'll believe you"...He kinda tried, but I think turning back was difficult for him. He had my key, so I said I was gonna walk home, and asked him for it, and he said no because he was going to walk me home. He gave me a piggy back. At which point I started to give him lovebites, and I told him to either walk into the garages or give me my key and I'll walk the rest on my own. Yeah he chose the right option. When he turned into the garages I must've had some form of conscious mind, because I realised where we were was visible from my sisters window....And tried to drag him in further. Which slightly ruined it, and I realised how loud we were, so nothing actually happened. I walked home on my own and he followed me to make sure I got there okay. At my door we kissed again, kissed a lot, and I think he was trying to come in, then I realised my sister was in, and I stopped him. so that's last nights antics and the reason I know feel like a massive slut, and am in pain. Also, He said he was walking me home.....all of E's friends saw that, and saw how long it took us, shit.

And earlier today I was sent this by C....Apparently my doing.

Continues

Okay I know I've blogged a lot today but I forgot to say something key. C is a little bit rough around the edges (if you didn't quite get that from our scratching and biting of each other)...well yeah. He is. Yesterday I was just meant to be meeting up with him for a walk, but he had been saying "yeah I'll meet up with you after work but I have to do a favour for my friend first."
So C is intelligent so I figured it was something like that. Then he turned up with bruised knuckles. Turns out his friend likes this girl who can't get away from her abusive boyfriend, so he set C on him...like the boy is abusive so deserves it, but I swear C felt nothing for it, he just saw beating this kid up (quite badly) as a favour for his friend.
And he used to do drugs, and he quit, he used to smoke and he quit...but apparently he hasn't quit. Well he did but he's started again, and I know it's not my position, but I'm going to find a way to get him to stop for good again...I just want to.

A kind of look?

Ahhh...I keep thinking back to this morning. When me and C first both woke up, we kept looking at each other. I hate eye contact so everytime I looked away. It was in the situation that I think we almost kissed a few times. But the age gap didn't let it happen.
And he kept looking at me..and I don't know, I just got the feeling it was more than a friendly look. Which hurt me because I know nothing could happen...and he keeps texting me on this double date, and his friend is apparently like questioning him loads about his arm...LOL. I do just kind of wish there was a chance.

Also, an awkward thing from last night...I got turned on by daddy (as in my best friend)..I have a spot on my leg that if people touch I'm like BOOM. And he touched it...I was like "oh shit."
And then C did everything that I usually find a turn on and I'm just ending up like "SERIOUSLY GUYS."

Either way I've had a good day, lunch with my sister was fun fun fun xD

Hopes and dreams = shattered (no just no)

AHHHHH. FFS. Really?!
I fell asleep cuddling up to C last night.
And I was like "maybe he can ignore the age gap and blah blah blah"
And then...then the bomb hit...
Yeah. He's not completely single.
He's seeing someone, which is like I mean really dude you don't act like that with someone...and then just like...say that.
And he's meant to be on a date right now...which makes me feel slightly awkward...because its like, oh...right.
I just kind of want the three years difference to just disappear...OR I could just settle with the fact that it's a possibility when we're older or when I'm like..at least 16?
SHHH LET ME DREAM.

MOOD SWINGS.

Haha.
No.
Yes.
I mean.
What.

Okay. Prepare for vent and then probably an amount of detail that will make you feel really bloody uncomfortable.
Vent...my fricking slutty friend is currently as we speak throwing herself...I mean literally she's chucking herself into a spooning position with him...FOOKING AWKWARD.
Also she's trying so hard to be me.
1. She just said to him "what do you think of the like Taurus symbol tattooed on a hip?"...I've wanted the virgo one for about three years..I mean really?
2. I have a joke that I constantly say "look at me I'm gorgeous." as a joke, and she just did it. She genuinely just did it.
She's now giggling like a childish mess and acting like a general twat for the tiny bit of attention...
Also, she's like trying to get him to fuck her...it's her birthday this week and she's like "oh I need a fuck for Saturday so bad."...and he just looks awkward and embarrassed, that's quite funny, but also so cringey it's making me feel sick.
And everytime he's cuddling up to me she is like throwing herself in the middle, and I don't like it being a three...so I just leave. Because I'm not into being the third wheel. Like seriously who would be...oh wait...well that's awkward.

And the uncomfortable part. I don't know if I'm sadistic...but I think I might be. So it started off with a tickle fight...in which we really almost kissed but didn't, then I saw his arm....and I was like "shit that's fucked.."...then realised. I think I found it a turn on.
For some reason all of this evening when we've been cuddling and shit, we've just been pinching/biting/scratching each other. And not in a way to cause pain. I mean it just worries me because this isn't fair. Yeah he's 18, nothing is going to happen so how is it fair to put me through this?! JESUS DUDE GET SOME CONSIDERATION.

Lostfrickingprophets

Okay so I haven't blogged in a while due to business....I WENT TO SEE LOSTPROPHETS ON FRIDAY this is because they are amazing and Ian Watkins is sexy.
And after hearing that many people scream out the lyrics rooftops and last train home got so much more meaning (hehe how insightful of me)
Also, my mums best friend was round last night. And she met C last time he was round. She started talking to me in my hallway like "so what's happening with you and the one with the purple hair?" I told her nothing, but she is "psychic" (it's creepy) and she was like "oh I love him already he's really good looking and I just got such a good energy off him" and then she was saying how apparently she thought we were a couple because we seemed like it and she said how we looked like a really good couple and the way he was acting proved he liked me. Happy or what?!
Well I would be if this had come from me...not from my mums so called psychic friend.

Swoonage

Okay. I have an obsession with fighters. I love masculinity; I find it a huge turn on! It's so attractive...therefore when I see a fighter I find them so hot and I just...yeah I'm obsessed.
C does martial arts. MMA. My obsession.
He turned around earlier because of that and was like "okay next Saturday when I stay over I'm bringing my hoodie and you can have it for a while, just to fuel your UFC obsession"
AH GOD IT'S SO AMAZING.

Hmmm

Okay apparently the friend is now pissed off with me because she feels left out.
She introduced us and now we spend a long time together and she feels left out.
I WONDER WHY.
She has done this to me before for the record. I introduced her to someone and they ended up together...awkkksssss.
And yeah, she wonders why using invite her when everytime I do she's clingy as hell and inconsiderate and just generally a twat.
As harsh as it sounds.

Argh

Okay I'm writing this really subtly as due to the openness and anonymity you've probably guessed none of my friends know about this.
I'm sitting here with C and the slightly slutty friend (slightly?) and she's fucking doing it again.
C came town with me today and we went and got McDonald's after and (yeah I'm fatty) then he came round mine to eat said mcdonalds...then my friend invited herself round. We were talking yesterday and I was like "well I kinda like him but it would never happen and shit"...apparently she took this as her sign to step in. He was round and I tweeted "eating chicken nuggets with purple hair"...5 minutes later she's at my door. Happy being the third wheel she always is.
She then starts doing it again. Being clingy and slutty just to try and get some attention.
I feel mean because she has been there for me through a lot but honestly it's a bit much. When he's cuddling up to me or we're play fighting and shell just suddenly be involved and we're both like "what?"...then he actually starts being closer to her. She's fucking got her way again. Which has annoyed me.
But then when she left the room I was like "you alright?"
And he gave this kind of eyebrow signal look towards her looking really irritated.. Then just said yeah.
So I don't really know what's going on all I know is she is irritating me right now because she can't stand someone else getting any effing attention.

CRINGEEEEEEE.

Ok so obviously my mum doesn't know I am no longer a virgin. But C was round earlier, and she thinks he is 17 (or this conversation could be even worse)..she tried to have the talk with me. She gave me a hug and was like "You do know you can talk to me don't you?" And I was like "i've been cuddling down here with someone older than me I know what's coming..."yeah."...."well I know you're going to want to have a serious boyfriend and seeing you with someone older than you has made me realise how much you're growing up and if you do want to take things more seriously with the next boyfriend we'll go to the doctors yeah and we can get you completely sorted for it?"...CRINGE. I THINK I FEEL SICK.

Okay, anyway, off the cringeyness. I just had such a good night xD. So as I said earlier C came over to help me revise history. We spent all night cuddling up and watching low budget horror films. I hate the age gap. but we even found ourselves talking about it....We were mucking about, and we were talking about at what age it would be acceptable for me and him to kind of be close. I did find out that he was seeing someone though, but then he said he had stopped things with her. So that made me happy. I opened up to him. Like I really did. I told him everything recent, I just told him everything, that's a big deal for me. He left like half an hour ago and gave me a huge hug then left. Everytime he leaves I hope something slightly more will happen, but I know that he's 18 and I'm 15 so it won't. That does make me sad but hey ho it won't change :(. I'll keep you updated on that situation, it was really nice though, really nice to be that close to someone :)

Maturity at its finest.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

We have a new I. Shock shock horror horror. My impeccable taste in males seems to have paid off once again. E has done the one thing that demonstrates the height of maturity. I have been deleted off of facebook....Different? HOW CREATIVE OF YOU YOU MASSIVE BELLEND.